Grace

I’m sitting here, just thinking. I haven’t written anything for the blog in just over a week and I’m wondering where to start, what to write. Still no idea, so if I wander a bit, just enjoy the scenery until we get back on track… I’m literally doing this on faith…

I was thinking earlier about how much I’ve changed without realizing it, how far along this road God has brought me, safely, happily, yeah sure, there are rough patches and parts where the road doesn’t seem to exist at all, but He’s always been there to hold me up, always been there to actually drag me to my feet and set me back on that path even when I was very reluctant to.

I remember times when I felt filthy, literally filthy from something I’d done, it didn’t even have to be something big, (okay, everything is big with God, but you get what I mean, I hope), just the wrong thought crossing my mind, hearing that tiny voice and covering my ears and yelling to drown out its sound. And then my conscience would start in on me, like I said, sometimes I felt so filthy I actually needed to take an actual shower, but that never helped, never ever, cuz the filth was always on the inside, not in a place where the water would get to it, the only thing that could cleanse it was God, only him. And yet at those times I felt too filthy to even think of crawling into his presence to say a prayer – have you ever felt too filthy to pray? Ever? It is not a good feeling!!

At those times, eventually I would try to forgive myself first, or would just whisper a prayer, never expecting it to even reach God’s ears, not from one such as me. But never once did that simple prayer go unanswered, never once!! And people today complain that God never hears their prayers, He heard mine, he answered mine, still does so on a regular basis, I mean, after all, I can’t claim not to be a sinner, and yet I can still claim the salvation that I have done nothing to earn.

And in those times I remember feeling what felt like the full benevolence of God’s love for me, no, not for us, not for the human race coz at such times it was much more personal, it was God’s love for me! It has sustained me, it has kept me going, His love, His mercy, His Grace, can’t have one without the others and they always work together, always to show us the filth we are accustomed to and slowly draw us out, slowly wash us clean…

I can’t claim to be wholly clean yet, cuz still I have that really bad habit of crawling out into the mud (ever noticed how much fun a kid has playing in the mud?) and playing to my hearts content. But sooner or later I have to go back to my Father’s door, sooner or later (more sooner than later these days J) I have to beg for His forgiveness and he always, without fail, he always pick me up, lifts me out of the mud and gives me a dunking that sometimes leaves me gasping for breath from the joy that can only come from God… and people wonder why I almost always have a smile on my face…

And someday, someday I won’t want to go out and play in the mud, someday I will be content to remain clean in His Love, remain clean in His Grace… it’s part of growing up, is it not? And even then, if I stumble and fall, if I filth myself in the mud again, His Mercy will always be there for me, His love for me greater than any father can possibly have for his son, greater than even a mother’s love…

I have that giddy grin on my face again… yes, I am happy, I am doing my Father’s will, every once in a while I can at least try to give Him a reason to smile…

Pretty sure you’ve heard people say, “God told me this,” or, “God said this.” Ever wondered what it was like? I know I have. There was a time when I went around asking practically everyone I know, “how do you know God is speaking to you? How does God speak to you anyway?” At first I used to imagine there was maybe a large voice that seemed to come from nowhere, something that invoked awe at the very least.

But as time has gone by, as I have grown as a Christian, I have come to notice that God does indeed speak to us, not always through words, sometimes it’s something you’ve always seen but somehow seems different that day, sometimes it’s through something that totally unexpected, like a mango falling on your head, I’m not sure what that would mean though. :-). And yes, sometimes you actually do hear the words, not a loud awe-inspiring voice that will drown out everything around it, but a still quiet voice that is rather easy to miss, but yes, once you do hear it, listen to it the awe is in there somewhere…

So how do you know God is talking to you? Another question I asked quite a bit. You just do. Somehow, somewhere there is no doubt as to where that message is coming from. Sure, you can decide to ignore it, its rather easy to, almost too easy, but it always catches up to you… I remember watching a series that was the kind I would definitely like, I remember hearing hat warning; that this is definitely bad for you… I remember ignoring it… I remember finding the books it was based on, reading them and actually enjoying them, but still, at the back of my mind something kept telling me, stay away from those books, yes, they seem harmless, they are definitely a good read; but they are bad for your soul… I ignored it. But at a certain point what I was reading turned so ugly that even I who never wants to skip a word when reading a book skipped almost an entire chapter; by then I had drowned out that voice of warning, but looking back, I realized how easily the book had turned from something very light and funny, to something dark and sinister, taking me along for the ride. Yes, I stopped reading the books then, about ten books into the series, and by then I could feel the damage that had been done, I knew suddenly so clearly what that voice had been warning me against. Sure, I heal, but even the shallowest wounds leave a shadow on your skin, for a while at least

All you have to do is keep your mind open to God, let him in, and sooner or later you will hear it, without a doubt. Sounds easy, huh? The hard part comes in listening to that voice; sometimes it seems like nothing more than a suggestion; but we have been given the gift of free will right? I guess hearing that gigantic awe-inspiring voice would infringe on that; I mean, who on hearing the direct word of God would even consider disobeying it?

I remember thinking I would keep this thing I am doing, this stuff I am writing to myself until I had a few, until I was sure I could keep it going, but I heard that still voice again, heard it just when I was wondering, “now what do I write?” three simple words “Keep the faith…” sure, they could mean anything, it could mean I shouldn’t give up on any number of things, could mean however bad things get, just hang in there, things will get better, but at that particular moment, even though there were a hundred and one things running through my mind, I had no doubt what it meant…

As one of the heroes in a game I enjoy playing keeps saying, “I hear and obey.” This time at least, I will obey, and pray for God’s grace that I may always do so. Have a blessed week. Thanks for reading.

A beginning

Hey, ever noticed that kid in front of you who can never seem to raise his hands during worship? Who always stands stiffly through it all, seemingly just enduring what’s going on? The one who never responds to an altar call and always seems to be in a hurry to leave church? Introducing… me. I’m nothing special, just another guy on the street, one you wouldn’t look twice at. I got born again sometime more than a year ago, I try to tithe, notice; try, sometimes even that 10% seems too hard to let go, sometimes the world seems to call too loudly and I forget to listen for that still small voice that keeps me on the straight and narrow, sometimes I just choose to ignore it completely, knowing outright what I am doing is wrong.

I have tried to look at my strengths, places where I can serve God, I remember almost volunteering when the web site at church was launched, coz after all, I do know something about computers, but I wanted to do something that would not draw me out of my comfort zone. I remember thinking, maybe I can join one of these online Christian groups, counseling, write a few articles, I even thought of starting my own blog!!(well, what do you know, actually doing that now :-)) But through all that, I was too lazy, too comfortable with who I am, too reluctant to even give that much of me to God, to Jesus who gave his life for me on the cross. Even now, I am writing this, but I don’t know if I will still have the inclination to take it to church sometime, for whoever wants to read…

So you see, I am just a normal guy, hopelessly flawed. I claim to be born again, yes, I have given my life to Christ, in word at least, just one question, have I really? True, I have never killed anyone, l but then again, I don’t know personally anyone who has, I think that could be one of the easiest commandments to keep, if you take it literally. I respect my mother, not so much my dad, sure I have excuses that sound genuine to my ears, but God has asked for no excuses, none. And from then on, it just seems to go downhill. No I don’t lie, but you see, even that is a lie, it is so easy to lie, so much easier to lie than to tell the truth sometimes. Ever told someone on the phone that you were somewhere you are not? And then afterwards you’re like, “ah, the beauty of mobile phones!!” Ever told someone you’re busy when really you just don’t want to put aside that tiny slice of time for them? I know I have…

The first commandment, another very easy one to break… “You shall have no other gods before Me!!” I can almost hear you think now, saying to yourself how you have only worshipped the one true God and no other. Just answer this, have you ever been in church but had your mind drifting to somewhere else you would much rather be? Has God called you to do something and you have flat out refused or come up with a million and one excuses? Have you ever shoved God aside for your own convenience? Ever considered that by breaking any single one of the laws He has set for you, you are breaking this one too? For you are saying, no God, you are not Supreme, my reasoning in this case is. This deal I am chasing is so time sensitive I don’t even have the time to kneel and say a short prayer… Do you even realize what you are doing when you say that? Anytime you place anything above God for any reason, however small and simple that may seem, you are in effect having something else take the place of God…

I am not perfect, far from it, but in journey so far, short as it may seem, I have come to realize a few important truths…

I am just a child in the spirit, a toddler who yearns to grow but is not yet willing to give up what is necessary for me to grow. Writing this has been a first step for me. If you have actually read this far, I ask you to join me, walk with me, as we find our way back to the Lord, back to Christ… back home.