Ripples

I wrote this a few weeks back, but just didn't post it then, kinda feels like i'm in that place again.

I seem to have lost my way for a while, especially with my writing. It seemed like no one was reading what I’ve been writing, like there’s been no reason for me to go on, after all, if no one is reading what I write, what’s the point, right?

So for a while, I haven’t written a thing, the few posts I had somehow manage to write in my first week on blogger are all I’ve been posting. And I’ve pretty much lost my way in trying to get people to visit the blog. Even though it has almost nothing on it, so far, I found myself being more concerned about people coming to read what I have written rather than actually writing.

Just a few days ago I felt so discouraged I was even asking God, “Lord, give me a sign, just any sign that someone out there is reading this stuff, give me a reason to go on…” I didn’t get any obvious answer then. I mentioned quitting to my girlfriend (yes, I have a girlfriend, most amazing lady this side of the equator…but then again, I am a guy in love, prone to writing drivel when it comes to her. ) and she wouldn’t hear of it.

So I posted another, sent a rough draft to a friend to look over, and his reply raised my spirits, in effect gave me a reason, however simple, to go on. You know what paper looks like when it has gone through a shredder? Yeah, that’s what my draft looked like when he was through with it. But it was what he added to it that really raised my spirits. 

“Incidentally I'm going to follow in your footsteps and write something for my church newsletter this week”

Okay, so maybe it isn’t exactly the answer to a prayer, but something about that simple statement made me really happy. It was like, sure, my writing wasn’t exactly reaching out to my intended audience…yet, but it was making a difference, however small, it was making a difference. And in a way it opened my eyes to one of the ways in which God works… I mean, maybe none of this stuff will ever be read by anyone else, maybe, but what if the articles he writes go on to touch hundreds of lives, go on to change people, to make the idea of salvation real for them. In that case, my work here will have been worth it, is worth it. Kinda made me realize that even the smallest things we do, however unimportant, always have a ripple effect, something small turns out to be something huge. Or maybe, something small, remains small, unimportant, but ends up being the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

And it showed me that God truly does work in mysterious ways (tired of the clichés?)

It gave me the boost I needed, that faith I needed to just go on, to just do my part and trust God to do the rest, whatever way He sees fit. After all, what I am writing, I am not writing for me, I am writing for God; and I will keep doing that for as long as he requires it of me, whether or not I see the results, cuz I know somewhere, somehow, the ripples are spreading, guided by God…

Grace

I’m sitting here, just thinking. I haven’t written anything for the blog in just over a week and I’m wondering where to start, what to write. Still no idea, so if I wander a bit, just enjoy the scenery until we get back on track… I’m literally doing this on faith…

I was thinking earlier about how much I’ve changed without realizing it, how far along this road God has brought me, safely, happily, yeah sure, there are rough patches and parts where the road doesn’t seem to exist at all, but He’s always been there to hold me up, always been there to actually drag me to my feet and set me back on that path even when I was very reluctant to.

I remember times when I felt filthy, literally filthy from something I’d done, it didn’t even have to be something big, (okay, everything is big with God, but you get what I mean, I hope), just the wrong thought crossing my mind, hearing that tiny voice and covering my ears and yelling to drown out its sound. And then my conscience would start in on me, like I said, sometimes I felt so filthy I actually needed to take an actual shower, but that never helped, never ever, cuz the filth was always on the inside, not in a place where the water would get to it, the only thing that could cleanse it was God, only him. And yet at those times I felt too filthy to even think of crawling into his presence to say a prayer – have you ever felt too filthy to pray? Ever? It is not a good feeling!!

At those times, eventually I would try to forgive myself first, or would just whisper a prayer, never expecting it to even reach God’s ears, not from one such as me. But never once did that simple prayer go unanswered, never once!! And people today complain that God never hears their prayers, He heard mine, he answered mine, still does so on a regular basis, I mean, after all, I can’t claim not to be a sinner, and yet I can still claim the salvation that I have done nothing to earn.

And in those times I remember feeling what felt like the full benevolence of God’s love for me, no, not for us, not for the human race coz at such times it was much more personal, it was God’s love for me! It has sustained me, it has kept me going, His love, His mercy, His Grace, can’t have one without the others and they always work together, always to show us the filth we are accustomed to and slowly draw us out, slowly wash us clean…

I can’t claim to be wholly clean yet, cuz still I have that really bad habit of crawling out into the mud (ever noticed how much fun a kid has playing in the mud?) and playing to my hearts content. But sooner or later I have to go back to my Father’s door, sooner or later (more sooner than later these days J) I have to beg for His forgiveness and he always, without fail, he always pick me up, lifts me out of the mud and gives me a dunking that sometimes leaves me gasping for breath from the joy that can only come from God… and people wonder why I almost always have a smile on my face…

And someday, someday I won’t want to go out and play in the mud, someday I will be content to remain clean in His Love, remain clean in His Grace… it’s part of growing up, is it not? And even then, if I stumble and fall, if I filth myself in the mud again, His Mercy will always be there for me, His love for me greater than any father can possibly have for his son, greater than even a mother’s love…

I have that giddy grin on my face again… yes, I am happy, I am doing my Father’s will, every once in a while I can at least try to give Him a reason to smile…