The Good Shepherd

Well Lord, I have found paper and pen…

It’s been a while since I wrote like this, not really knowing where I’m going, just letting the pen move along the paper, dancing to a tune that’s not always my own…

Since the last time I wrote, a lot has happened, but nothing has changed, and yet in a way, everything has…

I was waiting to fall, knowing I was in a precarious position, knowing what I should do; focus my eyes on the Lord; and yet for some reason failing to do just that… I wish I could say that I looked up and Voila!! All my problems were solved, but not so.

There’s a strange thing about waiting; more often than not we get what we’re waiting for, not always the way we were expecting it, but still, we get it. I suppose I’m not different.

I was waiting to fall; and yes, I slipped of my perch, but by His grace I managed tom hang on to that rope somehow, managed to keep my fingers wrapped tightly around it even while my legs dangled above that yawning chasm…

Again, I wish I could say that I fought my way back onto that rope, but no, I just stayed there, waiting… and waiting… and waiting… loath to let go and yet unwilling to clamber up and continue on my journey… no one promised me it would be easy.

Suddenly He is here beside me, He has taken me into His arms and that rope is gone; suddenly I’m a lamb cradled in His arms. He holds me for forever, gently chastising me for not having faith in Him, for not believing in Him enough, in a way it hurts, it shames… he has done so much for me already, what is a little faith? And yet behind every word I can feel the love he has for me, know again that this is me Shepherd, my True Shepherd who gave His life for me, who loves me more than I can comprehend…

He holds me for forever; and yet only for a moment… then I realize that the instant before He held me, I let go of that rope, the instant before I was falling, but in His mercy, His grace, He held me up, didn’t let me fall… and He is always here with me…

And now I am back on that rope, strengthened, revitalized and yes, finally looking in the right direction; not down to what could be, but up to my Lord, my Saviour, my Shepherd who will see me through…

Waiting to Fall

I am standing in the middle of a tightrope strung between two high peaks. Nothing but the cool air around me, the beautiful oh so beautiful sky above me, and my destination in front of me… I can do this see, God is with me, He is holding my hand as I stride confidently (yes, I actually do mean stride) on this narrow bridge, and He will never let me fall. He loves me, see? And He led me here, He knows I can do this, and so, even though I am not really sure I can, I can trust Him to know that I can, trust him to see me across…

He will see me across, won’t He? I sneak a peek down, just to see what’s down there. Sure, there is the valley, I knew about that, only now it looks like a canyon, its steep banks falling away into shadow, shadow that resembles nothing more than a gaping maw. What if I fall? Just what if?

Suddenly, balanced in the middle of nowhere, I’m frozen. The rope I was walking along so confidently on just a few moments ago suddenly seems to have dwindled to a thread and I, I’m hanging between where I am coming from and where I want to be, but right now, where I am, there is no support, nothing to lean on but God…and of course, He is always with me, He will never let me fall… see? I know that, I still know that, only now, in the middle of it all, I’m stuck.

I need to move forward, I know I should move forward, but it doesn’t feel like I have the faith to go on. Sure, I know God is there, I know He loves me, I know He will not; He would never let me fall… so why am I looking down instead of up? Why am I terrifying myself with what could be instead of what is? It’s almost like I have made up my mind… I am going to fall…

I am going to fall, aren’t I? So why keep walking? Why not just throw myself off this flimsy bridge and have done with it? After all, if he really wanted me to make it across He would have given me a rope bridge at the very least, wouldn’t He?

So I just stand and wait never looking forward to where I am going, never looking up to God, to my LORD who got me this far, but always looking down into that abyss that will claim me if I fail, always just waiting to fall…

I guess that is where faith comes in, faith that He loves me enough not to let me fall, trust that His grace will keep me going even when I feel like I can’t put one foot in front of the other anymore. Comforted I take a step forward, a shaky step, only half believing this time that I can make it, and the rope bounces wildly under me… of course, I could always just stay here, just stay on this bridge for eternity...

Only, He got me this far. He got me this far, and He can, He will see me through...

Writing

I haven’t written in a month, a whole month I’ve just been, well, gone, had no particular push to write, didn’t feel like I had to at all, and I don’t, have to I mean, it’s just that I chose to, so I might as well do it well. I wasn’t even visiting the blog, hadn’t told anyone about it… I could say that for the past month the blog did not exist for me, and well, that is just wrong. In a way it is my ministry and I was just ignoring it, sure, maybe no one gets to read it, but, maybe someday… maybe I will actually compile these thoughts into a book that will go on to bless millions of people worldwide!! Ah well, a guy can dream :).

And then two days ago I got that weekly e-mail that always lets me know no one is visiting the blog, it doesn’t seem to exist for anyone else much as it didn’t exist for me… and lo and behold, I had had a single visitor!! That was all I needed to perk my curiousity so I mosey over to the blog to find out if they left a comment; well, they didn’t, not one I could see anyway, but I figured, since I was there anyway, might as well read through the stuff I had written oh so long ago.

From looking back, it seems like something changed in my writing, suddenly instead of just sharing my walk, hoping someone can draw strength from where I have drawn strength, learn from the mistakes I have made along the way, I was preaching… and of course, I am no preacher, I cannot be a preacher, but I can at least try to be a writer, a good writer…

In my second to last post, I simply wrote a prayer, I was wondering what to write, how to write what I wanted to communicate, but there are more than enough preachers out there, I am not one of them so here, now, I get off my soapbox, and just well, write… that is my gift, that is what I am being called to do, just to write, just to be me, to be human like anyone else, make my mistakes, learn from them and hopefully have someone else learn from them too. Sure, I may not always be eloquent, but I can be sincere, and when I wrote that prayer I was being sincere…

I did say I will not give up… but I guess I did, and yet it is such a simple task He has called me to do!!

So again I say to whoever may stumble across this blog; walk with me, learn with me, and this time, with His grace, I will stay on this path and not presume to lead, to preach.

Have a great week…