Despair

There are times when my faith seems to be slipping away from me, times when I wonder where this path I’m treading is leading me; and yes, times when I wonder if I am indeed one of God’s chosen. Have you ever felt that? Yeah, I know the typical answer is pray, just pray, give in to God and everything will be okay…

But have you ever failed to pray? Have you ever had that willingness to pray seeped away by despair, by numbing despair and the twisted feeling that after all, no one out there cares; after all, if He did, this wouldn’t have happened, or that would be going better or something like that?

Have you ever struggled to wake up every morning hoping desperately that your day is going to be better but knowing for a certainty that that slippery slope you’re standing on is just going to get even slimier… when suddenly every selfish thought comes to the fore and you’re thinking; “Why not? After all, no one cares…”

Have you ever been there? I have… I have fought that feeling tooth and nail knowing its nothing but an insidious lie; reminding myself of the people who care about me (and there are quite a few), reminding myself that God always cares for me, always loves me, even when I selfishly turn my back on Him…

I have fought that feeling, fought that lie with everything I have in me; still I feel myself slipping. And everyday it gets easier to just fold into myself, shut myself away from the people who do care about me and then blame it on God. Everyday temptation gets more tempting…Every single day that darkness gets more cloying, filthier, stickier, muckier, harder to fight through, and yet somehow, in some strange way, more inviting…

And no, I cannot see the end of the tunnel.

But I can fight to hang on to my faith, when it slips from my grasp, when I stumble and fall, I can force myself back to my feet coz as long as I’m alive, there’s a reason to go on, as long as I’ve seen the light, reveled in it, I can fight towards it even when I can’t see it just then coz I know its out there, coz that still voice, when it breaks through, is always saying the same thing; God never sends you more than you can handle and His mercies are new every morning… every morning…

I remind myself that all things happen for the good of those who love the Lord and are called to His purpose; and I remember that He who has began a good work in me will see it through to completion…

And for a while, just a moment sometimes; I can soar again…